Cucumber, pickle& penis

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives 

sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and 

stick me on a salad."


The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy,  
they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and 

juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head 

against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

Old man and his lovely wife

    Once an old man told his wife: " Let`s do something in remembrance of the past. Let`s have a date in a luxurious cafe tomorrow evening." The old woman said `yes` to his offer. Tomorrow evening the man went to the cafe. He waited for her for two hours but she never came. When he returned home, he found his wife sitting on the sofa and crying. The old man asked her, "Why are you crying?" The old woman wiped a tear from her eye and said, "I loved to come but I couldn't  my dad stopped me!

By: Reza Taheri Kia

girls and Money

Boy : “I want my money now!”


Girl : “I will kill myself so that I won’t pay you


*She pulled a gun n shot himself dead*



Boy: “hahaha….. If u think you’ll get away with my money 

you're wrong, i’l follow you until you pay me.





*he takes the gun and shot himself dead as well *

Genie and wishes

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting.

In the taxi, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it, and a genie appeared.

I'll grant you one wishes each, the genie said.

Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted,

I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries. And, poof, he was gone.

The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted:

I want to be in California, with beautiful girls, food and cocktails. And, poof, he was gone.

Finally, it was the boss's turn.

I want those idiots back in the office after lunch. 

English is not easy!!!

• Do you speak English?
• yes
• Name?
• Abdul al -kazim 
• Sex?
• Three to five times a week.
• No, no,.. I mean male or female?
• Yes, male, female,sometimes camel. 
• Holy cow! 
• Yes, cow, sheep,animals in general. 
• But isn't hostile? 
• Horse style, doggy style,any style! 
• Oh dear!  
• No, no,.. Deer runs to fast. 

Toothache

Akpos went to his neighbor and asked him if he had any remedy for his terrible toothache.

Akpos: 
                      I'm having a terrible toothache can you help me?


Neighbor:


     last week I had more terrible toothache than yours. But I just kissed my wife and it stop.


Akpos:
                     please where is your wife let's start immediately






Akpos is currently receiving treatment in the hospital for heavy injuries!

Monkey

A man walking in the park found a monkey.

He took it to a policeman and asked him what he should do.

" Take it to the zoo"the policeman told him

The next day the policeman saw the man still with the monkey

"I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo", said the policeman

"I did."said the man. "And today i'm taking it to the beach"

Surgical Operation

Akpos opened his eyes after a surgical operation and breathed" thank God, it's over"

A man on the other side of his bed said." don't be so sure, they left an injection in my belly 

and had to open it again!"

Another patient added "same with me. But mine was a pack of cotton wool!"

Almost immediately the doctor who did the operation stormed in and asked," 

has anyone seen my watch?"

Akpos fainted.!

Girl friend and boy friend

Girlfriend: Honey can I have your phone for a minute?

Boy friend: OK, wait baby. Lemme switch it on ( he deletes messages, photos and videos, 

logs out from Facebook, format the memory card.) Here is the phone.

I have nothing to hide.

Girlfriend: OK dear, just wanted to check the time so I can set mine

Man in Bar

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink

He stays like that for half an hour.

Then a trouble maker man steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down

The poor man starts crying!

The man says: come on man i was just joking

Here i'll buy you another drink!

" no it's not that this day is the worst of my life and when i was thinking about putting an 

end to my life you show up and drink my poison!"

old man and groucery

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. 

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her 

husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she 

went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her 

request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the 

message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken 

breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the 

butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to 

buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the 

store... What were you thinking?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Do you have an angle?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice"stop! Stand still! If you take one 

more step a brick will fall down on your head 'n kill you"

The man stopped and a brick fell right in front of him.

"who are you" the man asked

" I am your guardian angel" the voice answered

The man said" and where the hell were you when I got married?!!!

Bad news and good news

Akpos and Marry were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they're walking past the hospital swimming pool ,Mary suddenly jump into 

the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there! Akpos promptly jumped in to save her

He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When mental doctor became aware of Akpos' act he immediately ordered his discharged as 

he now considered him to be mentally stable!

When he went to tell Akpos the news, he said: Akpos, I have bad news and good news.

The good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a 

swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you have gotten enough well
And the bad news is that, the patient u saved has hung herself with her bathrobe belt. In 

the bathroom. I'm Sorry she is dead
Akpos replied: But she didn't hang herself! I put her there to dry!!!

Taxi driver

3 drunk men stopped a taxi.

The driver noticed they were heavy drunk as he opened the door for them to enter

Wanting to play a trick on drunk men to make fast money.

He started the engine, turned it off and said:
     
                                        We have arrived at your destination sirs!

The first drunk man gave him his money

The second said: thank you

The third gave him a slap.!

The driver asked: 
                                                  what was the slap for?

The third drunk man replied: 

                   control your speed next time, You almost get us killed:@

Attendance list

First day back at school in Birmingham , ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"

"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"

"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"

"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"

"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"

"Ali Son al En" , silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call .

A girl stood up and said , "Sorry, teacher . I think that's me . It's pronounced Alison Allen."

Love and china cellphone

Wife: How much do you love me ?

Husband: I can't measure.

Wife: No just tell me

Husband: I am like this cell phone & you are my sim card, I am nothing without you.

Wife: Wow! that's so romantic.

Husband (saying to himself): Thank`s God she doesn't know, this is a Chinese phone, with FOUR sim Cards...

Baseball bat and my parent

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Husband says : "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said Hello to them.."

psychology and law student

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned over and 
whispered, “I study Law, and I know how to make people look guilty.

Real reason

Husband Call

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,

"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

but there is no reply.....

He sent another text,

"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car" 

this time ,  She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, :

"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message"

Chatting

Girl: Hi Baby .. 

Boy: Hi My lovely .. (Sending failed)

Girl : Are you here?

Boy: Yes Yes I'm here (sending failed)

Girl: Are you ignoring me or what!!!

Boy: Honey i'm not... I'm right there...(Sending failed)

Girl: It's over; don't you ever talk to me again!

Boy: Damn ! Go to hell !! ( Message sent )

Lady and boy

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a 

guy in a plane...... 


The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something 

from my breast please? 


The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my 

pleasure....... So what is it?


"Your Eyes, idiot!"